Teens Revisited

Many parents of teenagers find themselves increasingly being left in the dark when it comes to matters of the heart and issues of a personal nature. I have spoken to so many parents who felt this transition happened literally overnight. One day they existed as the be all and end all to their helpless and completely dependent miniature version of themself who sought their approval before making the smallest of decisions. The next they were locking horns with an unrecognizable body-snatcher who just wanted to be left alone and given some SPACE. Often the friction resulting from this transition leads to anxiety, arguments and suspicion between parents and teens. For many parents, not knowing means not trusting. But this really ought not to be the case.
Fortunately for most families, it is extremely unlikely that arguments during teenage years will cause family relationships to break down permanently. The conflict, although frequent and upsetting, is generally less serious than people think. In fact some researchers see an argument as a positive event. When young people argue with their parents they are learning the art of negotiation, an essential social skill for later life. Teenagers certainly seem to know how far they can push their parents. When they see they are near breaking point they usually back off. (Your response at times can often spark something of a buzz in particularly testy teens – so don’t rise to it)
Parents can be reassured that most teenagers still value their parents’ opinion and will turn to them for help when they are in trouble. Children need to make boundaries between themselves and their parents if they are to become adults. They want to be free of their parents' control and take charge of their own life. Many of us are under the misconception that we need to control our teens. Children respond negatively to being controlled and it doesn’t do their self esteem any favours either. Rather than trying to control their children parents will invariably find that influencing their children through modelling appropriate behaviour, values and attitudes is a much more effective tool.
If your child needs more space then you have a duty to respect that requirement. Not to relinquish all parental responsibility, nor allow them to go hog-wild, but rather to instil confidence in them, shadow them and offer suggestions rather than give direct orders. There are times in all of our households where a firm directive is required. But we are the adults; so let’s use our judgement, choose our battles and guide our teens through this difficult and often unpredictable period.